So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
