she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
