i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
