i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
