it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
We don't watch enough power rangers
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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