Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
