Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
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