I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
