I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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