I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
