Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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