I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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