I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
