You're my little dorito
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
