I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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