I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
So many bounce houses so little time
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
