You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
