If you die in college, do you die in real life?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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