i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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