I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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