my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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