If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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