put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
