Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
