Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
