You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
