Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
