I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
