my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
