she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
So squirting runs in the family.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
