Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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