brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
