The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
