Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
