mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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