Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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