Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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