He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
