I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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