He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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