You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He's on the porch naked. Help.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
