Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Houston, we have a squirter
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
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