wrigley field is MILF paradise
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
