I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
