this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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