Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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