You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Your cock deserves a montage
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
