I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
