We should be called the Road Head Warriors
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
