Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize