i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
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