just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
