That reminds me...we need to get swords
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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