Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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