oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
