What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
